Life is for Living
“Life is for the living”, but is life worth living when you have lost your loved one, in my case, my partner, my love, my soul? Is it different to lose them suddenly or to have the chance to say goodbye? I don’t know the answer to that, but I know that I wish I had had the chance to. My friend of 40 years lost her husband two months to the day after I lost mine, and she and her family were with him, for which I know they were grateful. Our roller coaster rides have been very different, and our acceptance of life after death has been different. Is this because our farewells were so different? This I cannot say.
It has been nearly fifteen months, and the emotions are still running amok. There are still so many tears, his absence in my life still so deeply felt, but the tears are only shed when I am alone. What should be joyous moments are still saddened because he is not there to share them. It took me a good six months before I could talk of him without breaking down. I still feel my eyes start to glisten when someone asks of him.
Sometimes I feel that the 24 ½ years we spent together were just a dream, but I look at our children, grandchildren, and photos of him and realise it was not, and I am so grateful for the time that we had. I keep journals, write to him every day, and have done since he passed. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to him, just for a moment forgetting he is gone.
At twelve months I reread my journals, amazed at the emotional roller coaster I have been on, how much my life has changed: a new home in a new area, a new career choice, a new grandson, our daughter’s wedding, facing my fear of going to our favourite weekend getaway, which brought back so many memories of good times shared, it was a day of smiles mixed with tears, and I was so glad I did it.
Is life worth living once a loved one is gone? Well the answer is yes, and although the journey has been fraught with so many challenges – emotionally, physically, mentally, and the journey is still going, it has made me a stronger (or at least I like to think so) person, and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with him, and for the love and care of those around me.