Suggestions for the family and friends of people who have lost someone close to them through the bushfires
February 2, 2010
"At times I wanted to talk, and at other times I didn't. But mostly what I really needed from people around me was to let me talk and to just listen, even over and over, without being judgmental about how often I wanted and needed to talk". - Merna, whose daughter died in the Bali bombing 7 years ago.
No-one can take away the pain and sadness, but knowing that people care is comforting and healing.
Grief is a personal, lonely experience, but we can walk alongside people during their journey. There is no doubt that having the love and support of family and friends, is one of the most important ways that grieving people manage personal crises and tragedies. Grief is a process or journey, and people don't 'get over' profound grief, but they do learn to live with it. The aim of this brochure is to encourage you to find ways to be supportive and helpful to people you know who are grieving. Your care and support is very important, probably more important than you realise.
Some things to know about grief
Grief can make people very sensitive and they may react or respond in unexpected ways. Grief can be likened to having an open wound, so it is easy for others to inadvertently "touch a nerve" or say or do the "wrong" thing. There is no formula about what is right or wrong. What one person finds helpful, another person won't.
The most important thing is to make sure your friend or relative knows that you care. Find a way to show that you care, perhaps by visiting, phone calls, giving food, bringing flowers, sending cards and letters or in some other way. Death can be a difficult subject and it can be hard to know what to do or say to someone who is grieving. But don't allow this to keep you away as silence and distance can be very hurtful.
If you feel you have made a mistake and perhaps said the wrong thing, remember that is never too late to say sorry. Don't allow your relationship with your grieving friend or relative to be damaged.
Be patient. People who are grieving will not necessarily know themselves what will be the most helpful. This may be a new experience for them too. So offer support in different ways and at different times. If you are unsure, ask. For example you could ask: "Would you like me to do some shopping for you? Would you like me to go with you to your appointment?" Don’t expect them to call you.
Keep in touch. Make sure your friend or relative knows you have not forgotten about the person/people they have lost, or about them. Be prepared to reach out to them and be supportive for months, or even years, remembering days of special significance.
Be prepared to spend time listening if your friend wants to talk – even over and over the same things. Make opportunities for this, but don't expect it. There will be times for talking and times not to talk.
Share memories and stories. Most people are glad to hear of ways in which their loved one/s were remembered and valued by other people, and to have the opportunity to talk about them.
Don't be afraid to use the name of the person/people who have died. As time goes on, the bereaved person will probably be glad to know that their loved one/s are still remembered and to have the opportunity to say their names.
Encourage your friend to accept help and support from others too, such as support groups, the internet, books, brochures, counselling or other professional help if necessary. Other comforting things include distractions, meditation, relaxation, massage, aromatherapy and warmth. You can encourage these things.
Take care of yourself. Listening and sharing your friend's pain is personally demanding and can be exhausting. So make sure you have good supports yourself and enjoyable things in your life to balance out the sadness.
"The most treasured conversations and moments are when people dare to say her name and to remember her." - Jessica, mother of Maya
Some tips and suggestions
You cannot "fix it" for your friend, because the only thing that would 'fix it', is for the person/people they have lost to come back to life. But you can help:
Everyone grieves in their own way – there is no right or wrong way to grieve, so long as there is no risk or harm to them or anyone else.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it's those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness – that is the friend who cares." - Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)
When to seek further help
Although grief can be very painful, people may find that with the support of their family and friends and their own resources, they gradually find ways to learn to live with their loss. However, the circumstances surrounding the bushfires have been particularly traumatic and distressing and this may make the grief more acute or complicated. You could consider suggesting that your friend or relative seeks professional help if, over time, he or she seems to be finding it difficult to manage their day-to-day life. Sadness, however, is natural and inevitable.
Don't underestimate the value of ordinary human kindness.
No-one can take away the pain and sadness, but knowing that people care is comforting and healing.
Grief is a personal, lonely experience, but we can walk alongside people during their journey. There is no doubt that having the love and support of family and friends, is one of the most important ways that grieving people manage personal crises and tragedies. Grief is a process or journey, and people don't 'get over' profound grief, but they do learn to live with it. The aim of this brochure is to encourage you to find ways to be supportive and helpful to people you know who are grieving. Your care and support is very important, probably more important than you realise.
Some things to know about grief
Grief can make people very sensitive and they may react or respond in unexpected ways. Grief can be likened to having an open wound, so it is easy for others to inadvertently "touch a nerve" or say or do the "wrong" thing. There is no formula about what is right or wrong. What one person finds helpful, another person won't.
The most important thing is to make sure your friend or relative knows that you care. Find a way to show that you care, perhaps by visiting, phone calls, giving food, bringing flowers, sending cards and letters or in some other way. Death can be a difficult subject and it can be hard to know what to do or say to someone who is grieving. But don't allow this to keep you away as silence and distance can be very hurtful.
If you feel you have made a mistake and perhaps said the wrong thing, remember that is never too late to say sorry. Don't allow your relationship with your grieving friend or relative to be damaged.
Be patient. People who are grieving will not necessarily know themselves what will be the most helpful. This may be a new experience for them too. So offer support in different ways and at different times. If you are unsure, ask. For example you could ask: "Would you like me to do some shopping for you? Would you like me to go with you to your appointment?" Don’t expect them to call you.
Keep in touch. Make sure your friend or relative knows you have not forgotten about the person/people they have lost, or about them. Be prepared to reach out to them and be supportive for months, or even years, remembering days of special significance.
Be prepared to spend time listening if your friend wants to talk – even over and over the same things. Make opportunities for this, but don't expect it. There will be times for talking and times not to talk.
Share memories and stories. Most people are glad to hear of ways in which their loved one/s were remembered and valued by other people, and to have the opportunity to talk about them.
Don't be afraid to use the name of the person/people who have died. As time goes on, the bereaved person will probably be glad to know that their loved one/s are still remembered and to have the opportunity to say their names.
Encourage your friend to accept help and support from others too, such as support groups, the internet, books, brochures, counselling or other professional help if necessary. Other comforting things include distractions, meditation, relaxation, massage, aromatherapy and warmth. You can encourage these things.
Take care of yourself. Listening and sharing your friend's pain is personally demanding and can be exhausting. So make sure you have good supports yourself and enjoyable things in your life to balance out the sadness.
"The most treasured conversations and moments are when people dare to say her name and to remember her." - Jessica, mother of Maya
Some tips and suggestions
You cannot "fix it" for your friend, because the only thing that would 'fix it', is for the person/people they have lost to come back to life. But you can help:
- By offering to come/to be there.
- By listening and accepting strong emotions.
- By being patient and allowing silences – take time, don't rush.
- By showing that you care; a hug might be helpful.
- By offering practical support – but always ask first.
- By using their loved one's name.
- By sharing memories with them.
- By acknowledging birthdays, death days, anniversaries and other special days.
- By frequently asking how they are.
- By not saying "I know" or "I understand" unless you really do.
- By avoiding platitudes – "It's God's will" etc.
- By not taking anger personally.
- By encouraging people to make their own decisions and helping them find information.
Everyone grieves in their own way – there is no right or wrong way to grieve, so long as there is no risk or harm to them or anyone else.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it's those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness – that is the friend who cares." - Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)
When to seek further help
Although grief can be very painful, people may find that with the support of their family and friends and their own resources, they gradually find ways to learn to live with their loss. However, the circumstances surrounding the bushfires have been particularly traumatic and distressing and this may make the grief more acute or complicated. You could consider suggesting that your friend or relative seeks professional help if, over time, he or she seems to be finding it difficult to manage their day-to-day life. Sadness, however, is natural and inevitable.
Don't underestimate the value of ordinary human kindness.