Supporting adults

Commonly asked questions about grief

How long will this go on?

The journey through grief is a highly individual experience. Rather than focus on a timeline it is perhaps more helpful to focus on its intensity and duration. Initially grief is overwhelming and people can feel out of control. With time people find they have more ability to choose when they access memories and emotions. The intensity of grief is related to the degree of attachment to the person, relationship to the deceased, level of understanding and social support from others, personality and the nature of the bereavement.

Am I going mad?

It may certainly feel like it at times! Particularly if the individuals need to grieve is out of step with social and cultural expectations. Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. People may be required to make adjustments to their lives and learn new skills, at a time when they feel least able to do so. Receiving validation and permission to grieve is important in the recovery and healing process.

Do I have the right to inflict this on others? What can I expect of them and they of me?

Others may feel intensely uncomfortable with the emotion and the pain of the bereaved to the point of feeling helpless. The anxiety this causes may mean that the bereaved person might feel they are being avoided - increasing feelings of isolation. It is important that the grieving person is assertive about their needs and wishes, and it is helpful if they communicate with family, friends, and colleagues rather than leave them guessing about what would be useful and comforting. Never underestimate the power of listening and being a warm presence. There are no magic words or actions. Trust your ability to care taking into account your relationship with the person you are trying to help.

Is there a right way and a wrong way of coping with grief?

People are individuals with personalities and life experiences, which influence the way in which they deal with grief. People's style of grieving must be respected and in this sense there is no right or wrong way of coping. However it is generally believed that the amount of support people receive can ameliorate some of the impact of grief and facilitate recovery. People often have an awareness about what they need to do to feel better but feel inhibited or judged and don't act on their inclinations. Talking about what is happening, what they are going through, expressing emotion and being in a supportive and accepting climate is generally helpful. Both religious and cultural factors may impact upon a persons feelings of "right" or "wrong ways" to deal with their grief.

How do I know when I need help?

Reassurance from others who have also experienced grief and an understanding of what people have commonly undergone when grieving can be a helpful yardstick. Any continued fears or anxieties about your well being or thoughts of self-harm should be addressed by seeking help. Prolonged intense emotion or obsessional thought or behaviour that make functioning difficult may also require help.

Stages of grief

Grief does not follow a linear pattern. It is more like a roller coaster, two steps forward and one step back. Ultimately people manage to integrate the experience to the point of having a new life arising from the old. The loss remains and is always remembered, but the intensity is no longer disabling or disorganising.

Much of grieving is about expressing emotion- some may be unfamiliar, and unacceptable to self or others, e.g. anger, guilt, remorse. Finding a safe place and an accepting person for support to work through all the effects of bereavement is important. The amount of support available from family and friends may be limited if they too are grieving. Misunderstandings can arise when people experience different responses to a shared loss. External supports may then become a vital factor in understanding and expressing your grief. It is important to know that you can survive the experience and that the new life that eventually comes about may have very positive effects despite the difficulty of arriving at this point.

Does counselling help?

It is important to say that grief is a normal response to loss and that people work through the loss with the loving support of family and friends. However, for a variety of reasons it may be necessary to seek professional help in the form of counselling. Counselling may initially intensify painful feelings as the external distractions are removed, and the client is able to focus on their experiences and explore them fully. People who are grieving may need to talk about their story over and over again and are often concerned about the 'wear out' factor on family and friends, especially if details are very distressing. Equally they may find that others have unrealistic expectations of their recovery or experiences. Where people have to continue on in roles as parents or carers counselling may provide valuable time-out for their own need to grieve and receive support. A supportive, safe and accepting environment and time set aside regularly can make a great difference. It may provide comfort and hope at a time of great confusion and crisis.

Ten Ways to Help the Bereaved

1. By present and attentive to the bereaved person.
2. Allow for moments of silence and reflection.
3. Listen in a non-judgemental and accepting way .
4. Avoid the use of clichés such as 'Think of all the good times', 'You can always have another child' .
5. Mention the deceased person's name and encourage the bereaved person to talk about them.
6. Offer practical and emotional support e.g. by minding children or cooking a meal.
7. Understand that tears are normal and healthy part of the grieving process.
8. Don't try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
9. Remember that grief may take years to work through.
10. Acknowledge anniversaries and dates of significance for the bereaved person.

If you are in the position of supporting a grieving person it is important to consider:

1. Understand your limits.

It is important to understand that the death of a person and seeing the grief of others can trigger our own experiences of loss and make us think about losses that may occur to us in the future. These fears and anxieties limit our capacity to provide effective support. Before making promises of support take a moment to consider what your commitment should – and can – be. Think of what might be needed, what you can offer and what constraints will affect your ability to follow through. You need to be fair to yourself and to the person who needs your support. You can then say, “Here’s what I’d like to do, if it would be helpful.”

2. Acknowledge the importance of the loss.

You may be reluctant to speak about the loss, however it is important to acknowledge it before you say anything else. Use the name of the deceased. Many people get comfort from hearing the name of someone they love live on: “I was very sad to hear of Frank’s death,” or “I’m so sorry about Janet’s death.” We can also acknowledge the importance of the loss by attending the funeral or with telephone calls, flowers, a sympathy pin, a note or card. Don’t overlook the importance of practical support such as child minding, mowing the lawn or providing a meal. Bereaved people find personal, spontaneous and genuine support especially comforting. Even brief contact is appreciated and remembered.

3. Your most valuable gifts are time and the ability to listen.

An ancient expression says that “God gave us two ears and one mouth – and we should use them in those proportions”. Be available to listen. It is often our ability to let the person tell their story over and over again which helps them make sense of their loss. Talk about the person who died, remembering special qualities, stories or shared moments. Allow plenty of time to listen to the story – and then listen again.

There are no words that can take the pain of loss away. Just being with and available to a grieving person may be the most helpful expression of care. It is often important to accept silence and avoid filling the silence. Never tell the person to think ‘on the bright side’ or to be grateful for (the time together, the absence of suffering or remaining children etc.). Never tell the person to hide their grief, stop feeling their grief, or that it is time to “get back to normal”. Accept their behaviour – tears, quietness, anger and laughter. Grief is more than sadness; at times it is also feelings of anger, guilt and blame. Avoid using euphemisms such as “lost” or “passed on”. Using direct and clear language helps us understand the reality of what has happened.

4. Be aware of the differences in the way people grieve

Just as we all have different preferences in food and music – grief is no different. We all have different safe places. Some grieve with others – family, friends, members of a support group where others grieve more privately and in less visible ways. Some will find comfort in activities such as keeping a journal or gardening others will connect with their pain alone perhaps whilst driving, jogging or in the shower.

In general there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong way’ to grieve. Really try to understand and accept the person. Many things influence how we grieve. It depends not only on the age of the person who died, but the relationship of the bereaved to the deceased, the circumstances of the death, their age, life experience, how much support the bereaved person has available to them, their beliefs and personality.

5. Be informed about supports available in the community

The experience for many bereaved people is that after the last bunch of flowers have been thrown out and the last casserole defrosted that support also disappears. Grief takes time. Be available to the bereaved person on an ongoing basis and remember that anniversaries, birthdays, Father and Mother’s days and holidays such as Christmas, which can reawaken the grief and sadness for many bereaved people.

In some instances people will need additional support than can be readily provided by one individual. Become familiar with resources in you local community that can provide ongoing support for bereaved people. A medical practitioner, community health service or bereavement support organizations such as The Compassionate Friends and SIDS and Kids can provide valuable support to bereaved people and their families. Many free and low cost bereavement support services within Victoria can be located on the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement support directory