Grief
Support
Two
articles on grief support are available here:
Commonly
asked questions about grief
How
long will this go on?
The
journey through grief is a highly individual experience. Rather than
focus on a timeline it is perhaps more helpful to focus on its intensity
and duration. Initially grief is overwhelming and people can feel
out of control. With time people find they have more ability to choose
when they access memories and emotions. The intensity of grief is
related to the degree of attachment to the person, relationship
to the deceased, level of understanding and social support from others,
personality and the nature of the bereavement.
Am
I going mad?
It
may certainly feel like it at times! Particularly if the individuals
need to grieve is out of step with social and cultural expectations.
Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and
spiritually. People may be required to make adjustments to their
lives and learn new skills, at a time
when they feel least able to do so. Receiving validation and permission
to grieve
is important in the recovery and healing process.
Do
I have the right to inflict this on others? What can I expect of
them and they of me?
Others
may feel intensely uncomfortable with the emotion and the pain of
the bereaved to the point of feeling helpless. The anxiety this causes
may mean that the bereaved person might feel they are being avoided
- increasing feelings of isolation. It is important
that the
grieving person is assertive
about their needs and wishes, and it is helpful if they communicate
with family, friends, and colleagues rather than leave them guessing
about what would be useful and comforting. Never underestimate the
power of listening and being a warm presence. There are no magic
words or actions. Trust your ability to care taking into account
your relationship with the person you are trying to help.
Is
there a right way and a wrong way of coping with grief?
People
are individuals with personalities and life experiences, which influence
the way in which they deal with grief. People's style of grieving
must be respected and in this sense there is no right or wrong way
of coping. However it is generally believed that the amount of support
people receive can ameliorate some of the impact of grief and facilitate
recovery. People often have an awareness about what they need to
do to feel better but feel inhibited or judged and don't act on their
inclinations. Talking about what is happening, what they are going
through, expressing emotion and being in a supportive and accepting
climate is generally helpful. Both religious and cultural factors
may impact upon a persons feelings of "right" or "wrong ways" to
deal with their grief.
How
do I know when I need help?
Reassurance
from others who have also experienced grief and an understanding
of what people have commonly undergone when grieving can be a helpful
yardstick. Any continued fears or anxieties about your well being
or thoughts of self-harm should be addressed by seeking help. Prolonged
intense emotion or obsessional thought or behaviour that make functioning
difficult may also require help.
Stages
of grief
Grief
does not follow a linear pattern. It is more like a roller coaster,
two steps forward and one step back. Ultimately people manage to
integrate the experience to the point of having a new life arising
from the old. The loss remains and is always remembered, but the
intensity is no longer disabling or disorganising.
Much
of grieving is about expressing emotion- some may be unfamiliar,
and unacceptable to self or others, e.g. anger, guilt, remorse. Finding
a safe place and an accepting person for support to work through
all the effects of bereavement is important. The amount of support
available from family and friends may be limited if they too are
grieving. Misunderstandings can arise when people experience different
responses to a shared loss. External supports may then become a vital
factor in understanding and expressing your grief. It
is important to
know that you can survive the experience and that the new life that
eventually comes about may have very positive effects despite the
difficulty of arriving at this point.
Does
counselling help?
It
is important to say that grief is a normal response to loss and that
people work through the loss with the loving support of family and
friends. However, for a variety of reasons it may be necessary to
seek professional help in the form of counselling. Counselling may
initially intensify painful feelings as the external distractions
are removed, and the client is able to focus on their experiences
and explore them fully. People who are grieving may need to talk
about their story over and over again and are often concerned about
the 'wear out' factor on family and friends, especially if details
are very distressing. Equally they may find that others have unrealistic
expectations of their recovery or experiences. Where people have
to continue on in roles as parents or carers counselling may provide
valuable time-out for their own need to grieve and receive support.
A supportive,
safe and accepting environment and time set aside regularly can make
a great difference. It may provide comfort and hope at a time of
great confusion and crisis.
Ten
Ways to Help the Bereaved
- By
present and attentive to the bereaved person.
- Allow
for moments of silence and reflection.
- Listen
in a non-judgemental and accepting way
.
- Avoid
the use of clichés such as 'Think of all the good times', 'You
can always have another child'
.
- Mention
the deceased person's name and encourage the bereaved person
to talk about them.
- Offer
practical and emotional support
e.g. by minding children or cooking a meal.
- Understand
that tears are normal and healthy part of the grieving process.
- Don't
try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
- Remember
that grief may take years to work through.
- Acknowledge
anniversaries and dates of significance for the bereaved person.
